KarMel
Scholarship 2008
|
Essay “To
My Sexuality” By Sara
Woolcock |
Desciption of Submission: “A letter written to
my sexuality that highlights the fact that there is ambiguity between gay,
straight, and even bisexual.” - Sara
|
When did you creep up on
me? Only a few days ago, I was just a
girl, and now I have to choose. I have
to hide under my blankets, trying to figure out my feelings. I have to cry and pound my fists, all
because of you. You couldn’t just
leave me alone or at least make things simple. Why can’t you decide? You twist and turn, bending in so many
different ways I can’t keep them straight sometimes. Funny, straight, sometimes I wouldn’t mind
not being straight if you would just let me be gay, but you won’t. It’s hard enough realizing I like to look
at girls, but you have to make it difficult, making me straight one day and
gay the next. How did you become this
way? I know plenty of people who are
gay, people who are straight, and even people who have accepted both. I envy them. I don’t think they ever had to deal with
someone like you. They are friendly
with their sexuality. They hug, cry,
and go out for coffee on the weekends.
They don’t have this constant battle. When will you let me
go? It’s like I’m caught in a rip
tide, and you will never let me come back to shore. Will you ever let me have a future, nice
house with a husband or an apartment with my partner? Will you ever let me find that one person
that I can love completely? What the hell are you,
anyway? Are you just some nebulous
cloud that molds and forms into something unrecognizable? Or are you like a bee, fluttering around
from flower to flower, man to woman, trying to decide which nectar you like
best? Maybe you are just a clitoris,
looking for anything that will rub you the right way. All I ask is that you reveal yourself. I just want to know. You know what? Maybe…maybe you are just as confused as
me. There are all these labels. I bet you don’t know them all. Bisexual.
Heteroflexible.
Bi-curious.
Lesbian-until-graduation. I’m
trying to pin you down, tack a label on your shirt, but you don’t want
that What does it matter? I love boys with their angular lines and
calloused fingers, and I love girls with their soft curves and gentle
touch. As long as I can love, who
cares who you are? I know we can be
friends. Just let me love someone, and
I will accept you as you are. You are beautiful, my
sexuality. You are as unique as I am,
ever changing and growing, a voice inside my head, whispering when I can
allow myself to be happy. You let me
have my moments of abandon and release.
You make me smile and sometimes cry.
But most importantly, you made me realize that love doesn’t have a
name. It’s only love, and that’s all
it needs. |