KarMel
Scholarship 2008
|
Personal
Story “Strength
from Within” By Ashley
Azbill |
Desciption of Submission: “This is my story,
of what I went through growing up, and how it has shaped me into the person I
am. Love the ones your with, whether male or female.” - Ashley
|
You don’t here stories like mine very often, and
why is that you may ask. Well many people who have been through what I have,
feel like it was there fault; more than anything though, they feel ashamed. I
was ashamed, and that’s why I kept my secret for seven years. I have come to
terms with what happened and can now share my story, and even if it only
helps one person, that’s still worth it. My step brother started molesting me when I was
about seven. It happened whenever he had the chance. I thought I could trust
him, and I thought he loved me and would protect me. So I kept his secret.
For years I told no one, and the toll it would take on me would follow me for
life. I was forced to grow up and lose all the innocence a child should have.
As I got older I knew what he was doing was wrong, but he had threatened me
with my life, and I had no choice but to pretend nothing was going on. He got
kicked out of our house his senior year and went to live with his mother.
This was a sigh of relief to me, I thought it was all over; but I was wrong.
My last year of middle school he came back, and tried to force himself on me, but I wasn’t going to take it anymore.
After three days of it eating me up inside I talked to my parents and we
decided to prosecute him for all the things he had done. It turns out he had
molested another one of my friends, and he wasn’t going to give in easy, but
at the last minute he took the plea bargain and saved me from having to
testify. He got the minimum amount of years a child molester can get, which
angered me more than anything. He gets out this year, and I will be ready if
he comes back. Now you may be asking yourself,
“How does this have anything to do with lesbians or bisexuals??” Well, after
all of that happened I was very much broken, and didn’t trust much of anyone,
especially men! The summer before my senior year I reunited with an old
family friend who I trusted more than anything. She was ten years older than
me and there was just something there that was incredibly comforting. She too
had gone through a similar situation when she was younger, and could give me
advice on moving on. I fell in love with this perfect stranger. Even though I
had known her when I was younger, it had been a good ten years or so since I
had any communications with her, and I didn’t know what I was getting myself
into. I believe that you love who you
love, and who am I or anyone else to judge. My parents took this lifestyle
change pretty well. They didn’t mind that I was dating a girl, what they had
a problem with is that I was dating a girl ten years older than me. We had a
secret relationship until I was 18, which was seven months. I moved in with
her as soon as I graduated and things were great for about a month. What I
discovered was that she had huge abandonment issues from her parents
completely writing her out of their lives. So not only was a dating a 28 year
old that never trusted anyone, but she also had problems with alcohol. She
became verbally abusive and my confidence went from 110% to 0%. I was the
happiest I had ever been when we first got together and I just kept hoping
that would come back. Well it didn’t, and the verbal abuse turned into
physical abuse. I moved out, but we stayed together. I gave her three months
to get her act together and fix her problems with alcohol. After only a month
a moved back in, bad idea! Shortly after that was a night that a will never
forget. The first three words that come to my mind are Fight or Flight. She
was very angry because I got off of work late and my phone was dead. She
grabbed me in the bathroom and slammed my head into the shower wall three
times. After that I only remember little tidbits of what happened. I tried to
call the police, and she broke my phone. The neighbor had come over at one
moment and told her she needed to leave. And finally, somebody called the
police. I don’t know who did but I thank them for it everyday. I told her she
needed to move out, and get out of my life. It was very hard and after about
three days of crying and a week of not eating I got over it; to some extent.
I realize this was a horrible situation and I should have left before it got
that bad, but like all things, I learned this lesson the hard way. It took
two years before I finally called it off. So what have I learned in my
twenty years? I have learned that no matter who you date, guy or girl, trust
is the most important thing. And if somebody loves you they will never hurt
you. I have a boy friend now, and he’s very kind and compassionate. I like men;
I was just too scared to trust them. It took a very destructive relationship
with a woman to show me that is doesn’t matter what sex you are, everyone
loves different. I learned more in those two years with her than I could have
ever learned on my own, so I don’t regret the relationship, just how it
ended. |