KarMel Scholarship 2008

Personal Story

“Coming Out”

By Anonymous

Description of Submission: “This is a short narrative on my experience with my mother upon trying to come out to her, and the lie I had to tell to keep peace within the house.” - Anonymous

Usually when people try to recall an event they remember the exact time,
place and everything that was happening around them before the incident
occurred, I don’t. I simply remember I was at home.

I was on the phone talking to this guy who I had practically no interest in but
had nothing better to do so I continued to talk. But, as usual, I failed in my
desperate attempt to make what is usually my dull life into something spicy and fun.
We’d been talking for weeks about nothing at all, and I could see already this
would lead nowhere, but another friendship.

That night was like any other night, Marcus and I had been talking as usual
and I was either watching TV, lying on the bed, or something else the details escape
me now, but each sensation from that night seems to have lingered. It was the typical
conversation, we were from rival schools, and I was fighting about which school
was better. That’s when she calls me.
        “J.R.! J, Come here a minute.”

So of course I comply. I mean it’d be crazy of me to ignore my own mother. So I
walk to her room still chatting my life away, when she asks,”Can you get me some water please.”

Again, I do as I’m told and run to the kitchen to get some water. When I get
back, I hand it to her, and she gives me a funny look. Now usually when someone
is on the phone she pays no mind, but since I almost NEVER talk on the phone it
sparked her interested, even more because I’d been on it constantly.
        “Who you talking to?” She asks.
        “Why you wanna know?” I say playfully.
        “J, stop playin who you talking to?”
        “Somebody, haha!” I say still joking around.
       “Uh huh, it ain’t no boy is it? Cause y’all been talking a lot…”
        “Maybe…”
        “J, for real is it?”

I just smirk and walk out. I thought nothing of it really, just took as she was
playing around like always My moms and I have always had a playful
relationship. Hey, I’m a momma’s boy, what can I say. So I’m still on the phone
for a little while, and finally get off around 9:45, when to my surprise my
mother comes walking in at 10:00. I look at her like she’s a ghost because I’m
so used to her being asleep by now; she comes in, sits down in my desk chair and
looks at me.

        “J, I’m serious who was that you were talking to on the phone?”

I look at her like she’s lost her mind; I’m thinking, ‘Is it really that
serious?’
        “Ma, it wasn’t anyone important.”

Next thing I know she starts tearing up…I’m seriously scared out of my wits!

        “J, I’ve notice certain things about you, but I never said anything. Like how
your posture changes when a guy is around. How it seems like you hardly look
twice when a girl is around. But, you seem to always be looking at guys…”
At this moment I’m stunned.
        “J, please don’t tell me you like guys…please.” Now she’s crying, and I hate
seeing my mother like this so I start crying. “J, that’s life style is just not
natural, you could never be happy like that.”
        “I…I…Ma…I…but no words would come to my mouth,” I was virtually shocked in that moment, unsure of what to say, too scared to even move, and yet every part of
my body was shaking. Then she says it, “You are gonna burst Hell wide open, what am I going to tell your Grandma (who’s a reverend), and your aunt.”

At this moment I’m thinking, so you are more scared of what my own family will
think of me and ultimately you, more than how I feel?
        “Are you sure no one at school, maybe the people you hang around pressured you
into this? I mean maybe you just think you are.”
        “No, Ma. I barely know people like that, all my friends are straight.”
        “Maybe, if we would of gone to church more, I didn’t stay in church like we
should have. Maybe we should have…”

By this time I blocked her totally out, I’m crying, she’s crying and making
excuses for my sexuality. Then the stories begin.

Through this whole ordeal, I’m simply in shock, devastated that my own mother would say these things to me. The same woman who I kid around with 24/7 and she is saying this to me? Her baby? The youngest and of course THE FAVORITE?! I was appalled.

“I just can’t accept this, I love you, but I can’t accept this. I refuse to have that in my house.” She closes her eyes and swallows hard, as if trying to hold back a gag reflex. “I mean how do you even know? You’re still a virgin as far as I know, I mean how do you know what you like if you haven’t even had sex yet?”

“Ma, sex has nothing to do with how you feel about someone.” She simply rolls her eyes.

I begin to feel sick to my stomach; did I seriously lose the love of my mother forever? Then, I say, “Bu…But, but Ma I still like women too…” Then it gets all too weird.

“Oh, well how about you try them first,” she says and walks out.

The next day I look at her to see any sign of what happened yesterday, I see none, she’s acting like nothing ever happened. The following week, still nothing, my mother had gone into complete denial about the whole situation. To her it had never happened. To her, I’m still straight…

I suppose this is fortunate for me because she still loves me, and she’s still able to look at me without pure disgust. The down side is that I’ll never truly be able to tell my mother about relationship problems, my feelings toward a certain individual, or anything of that nature. In light of this, I dread the day that I may actually find someone and fall in love with them, because I will want to tell my mother. When I do introduce her to my partner I’m sure it will be quite the occasion to remember.

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