KarMel
Scholarship 2008
|
Personal
Story “Dear
Jane” By Elizabeth
Hill |
Desciption of Submission: “A letter protraying
my story about my sexuality and the progression of self love, and acceptance of
who I am.” -
|
Dear
Jane, I thought about it many times, that day back when it
first started, the day where I first thought there might be something
different about me. I was only in 2nd grade when that happened. I
was playing four square with a group of my friends,
Christina was her name, she was a friend of mine, and her mother and sister
were there. Our school was having a festival day and she came to help. I told
her I thought Christina was very pretty, she gave me
a look, a look that made me think that this thought was wrong. And maybe it
was I thought she was cute just like I thought this boy in our class,
Mitchell was I thought about holding her hand every once in awhile, I thought
about giving her a kiss. Her look made me feel wrong, as though I had
disobeyed my mother, like I had displeased her in some way. I pushed that day
away, I pushed that thought away, I didn’t want to displease her, and I didn’t
want to displease our church, I was raised catholic, and though I didn’t yet
know what homosexuality was, I knew some how, maybe because I had never seen
two women together or two men, that came a bit later, that it was considered
wrong. I
remember sitting in the church staring at a statue of Mary, thinking about
what I felt, only wanting to be a good girl. Years later when I was in my
early teens I remember doing the same thing, except this time I wanted to be
true to myself, I wanted to be good to myself. Now this wasn’t in terms of
sexuality, this was when I walked away from the church it wasn’t for another
few years that I looked back at all of that. That day was interesting, it was
after finding my own faith, and finding an identity, though not complete,
that I was comfortable living in that I started re-thinking my sexuality. As
a kid I remember my very first kiss was with my best friend Jessica,
ironically it occurred in a closet, we pretended to be thinking of boys and
maybe she was, but me well I was thinking about her. I remember another time,
I was still young, but another girl and me grouped
under covers, she held me and got on top of me, I liked it. I thought about
my middle school best friend, how bad I wanted something to occur between us,
but how every time that thought occurred I shook it away. A funny thing is I
tried to justify my liking for women, with the idea that I liked the sexual
erotica, it came with women and men though in different ways, sex in any form
was arousing, thus I was straight I just had a liking for sexual acts of any
kind. But no, the ideas haunted me, I worried about
being lesbian, worried about my parents, and wondered how I could still be
with my boyfriend at the time. Didn’t know how to work out the kinks. I
soon realized it wasn’t sex that I liked it was girls, and then I realized
that it couldn’t be that simple, I was into my boyfriend, I had been into
guys just like I had been girls. And suddenly it occurred to me. I was bi-.
In many ways, it was relieving, it made sense I
figured out my sexuality, knew who I was. Then again, it was terrifying I
wasn’t straight, I knew my parents would flip out on
me. And I felt guilty, was this who I really was? Or
was I deviating from the norm on purpose?
I didn’t say it to anyone, didn’t let anyone know I had a girlfriend
off and on for a year, but I wouldn’t admit it was true. Later on when I
realized I liked my best friend, I freaked and told myself no, over and over
again I said no I wouldn’t feel this way. I wouldn’t like her, I wouldn’t and
didn’t. Oddly
enough my high school boyfriend helped me get over my guilt and shame. He
taught me in many ways that this was how I was, regardless of my guilt, it
was natural, it was me. My sexuality, isn’t just a
game, like I’ve been told many times, I’m not just looking for attention or
anything else, I’m being me. And that’s enough .
Since then I’ve come to a new sense of openness with myself, and I’m working
slowly on telling my parents, who don’t believe homosexuality exists. I’m content., I’m bi-sexual and I believe it is a beautiful
and pure thing. Jane,
I guess I wanted to say this to you, but more to myself, I guess I wanted to
say it for both of us, for all of us. I guess I just wanted to tell you, it
isn’t wrong. |