KarMel
Scholarship 2008
|
Personal
Story “New
to the Closet: My Story” By Sarah
Lentz |
Desciption of Submission: “This is a "my
story" focused article style writing. I would like to eventually revise it
for publication in LGBT community publications” - Sarah
|
Hello. I am Sarah. I have
identified as bisexual since I was 15 years old. That was 17 years ago for
those counting. I want to share a little about me in hopes that you may feel
a little human connection in the world. The last time I tried to
“join” a community for my sexuality there wasn’t much around I could find. I
had to be a “lesbian”. And when I had girlfriends we did activities with
lesbian groups, but tried not to say we were lesbians or bisexual. The women
in our groups responded very negatively to “breeders” or “penis lovers”, back
then. Recently I found a local
bisexual women’s network. I’m so proud of the bisexual community for
increasing awareness and tolerance for us. Seeing how the community has
developed and come together; men and women, is an inspiration. I am the founder and
executive officer of a non-profit indigenous research and educational
development center. (Say that five times fast!) I’m also a graduate student.
And a wife. And a mother of two. And Native American. For the first time in my
17 years as a personally identified bisexual I am feeling this closet around
me. Have you ever experienced this closet feeling I’m speaking of? Closed in?
Scrutinized? Trapped? I’m sure many of you have. However, this is new for me.
At a young age my
biological father abandoned my family. After that, mother attempted to
rebuild our lives and moved us to In the apartment building
where we lived all of our neighbors were gay and lesbian. Two men, a
committed couple, stepped up to help raise me into adulthood. They became
like fathers to me and I called them both my “Dads.” Oh, the stories I could
tell about being raised just blocks from Broadway…. It was beautiful, rich in
color and vibrant with life. Both of my dads died,
months apart, of HIV/AIDS when I was barely 18. They had taught me about safe
sex, alternate life styles and sexual orientations, and tolerance. Mostly,
they taught me that men weren’t all abusive and in fact could love others
with great strength. My mother was always
religious, and passed on our traditional Native spirituality. She mirrored
the tolerance and acceptance of others and taught me to love people
regardless of sex, race, or physical ability. However, recently she has begun
converting to a more orthodox religion. During her conversion process she has
become very intolerant of “deviant life styles”. Out of nowhere, during a
conversation, Mom mentioned to me, “You know, gayness is a choice.” Followed
by this shocking statement came that one lecture that makes your head
explode, you know the one “If you just chose to live like heterosexuals…” I
sat there, silent. Dumbstruck. This woman who had two gay men to help her
raise me continued on saying many intolerant things. What do you say to that? It was the first time in
my life I felt silenced about my sexuality. With the executive changes in my professional
life I have began to suffocate. I answer to members of a board of directors
now. And some of them are conservative. I have to censor myself and conduct
myself in ways that are respectful of their right to be close minded, and
somehow maintain my right to be me. Who knew how complicated
the workplace could get? I’ve been in administration for a long time now and
never saw this coming. And this is a work environment I created. I am almost
ashamed. How did I get in the
closet? Me, who never “came out”
because I never had to come out. Me who had girlfriends or boyfriends, or both at the
same time, throughout most of my teens and twenties. I never asked for
permission or apologized for my nature. Me who has volunteered for the Pride
Foundation, and Chicken Soup, and Lifelong AIDS Alliance. I’m a strong woman. I will
find my way out of this closet, and I won’t do it alone. I’m happy to know
that there is a strong bisexual community here, in I’d like to leave you with
a little hope. My 10 year old daughter recently “came out” to me that she is
bisexual and has a crush on a girl. My son heavily identifies as straight,
but tolerates our insisting that it’s a phase he’s going through. He is very
supportive of my daughter’s crush and commiserates with her about girls. I
must say that that feels like a sign to me that not all hope is lost. Raising the next
generation gives me optimism. We are seeing the world open up for LGBT
people. We are making it happen. And now I’m not just “me” telling my story.
I’m “we” telling “our story”. When I step out of the closet, we all will be
stepping out together. |