KarMel
Scholarship 2008
|
RunnerUp
of the “Written” Category “Dear
Sisters” By Amanda
Helton - MI |
Desciption of Submission: “An e-mail I wrote to my sisters earlier this year
thanking them for all the support and for everything that they have done to
make me who I am today. Without them I
wouldn’t have survived our mother’s initial rejection of my bisexuality nor had
the strenght to come out to my school and everyone else. They found this scholarship for me and told
me I was to apply at least once with this letter or they’d do it for me. So here it is.” - Amanda
Biography: Amanda will be a sophomore attending
Why Karen and Melody Liked It: We loved how
it showed the special bond and love between sisters. It demonstrates how family members should
support a gay member of their family.
|
Dear
Sisters (Lysh & Ash-bash), I
wanted to let you know that I couldn’t have made it to college without you in
my life. If
it wasn’t for you both I might have been another suicide statistic or someone
who is closeted away afraid of her own feelings. Since
the summer between 9th and 10th grade when I told mom I
was bisexual and you two had already seen me kiss a girl and not quite
understood what was going on. Yet you
did not turn against me or think any less of me – you accepted me completely. I
remember the day November 24, 2004 mom just erupted and told me I couldn’t
know what I wanted as I was only 16 and I hadn’t had sex yet so I couldn’t
know if I liked females instead of males.
By this time, it had become something that was ignored in the house
that mom never mentioned but something had set her off that day. I had given up explaining to mother that I
was attracted to males and females.
The concept of bisexuality seemed foreign to her. I
remember leaving the house and slamming the door and just sitting outside
trying to cool off. You don’t know
this but I heard you two that day. I
was surprised you two took a stand against her. Mom’s the dominating force in our
house. She isn’t hateful or abusive or
neglectful just this when it came to me seemed to blind her and make her into
something that she wasn’t – she truly feared for my soul. Lysh,
I heard you first, your voice loud and angry on my behalf, you telling mom
(at 13 years old!) that if she doesn’t get her act together she’d lose me
forever. Ash-bash,
you were next, sounding older then your 12 years and so calm asking mom if
she wanted me to be another statistic, another dead, gay teen? I
was sitting outside in the snow and I listening to you two spout off even
more information then I knew by heart.
It amazed me that you both had been researching ways to support me and
to help convince mom that I wasn’t going to hell or wasn’t brainwashed. I
remember sitting there crying and then laughing Lysh, as you told mom there
was a hotline that she could call and that you’d called and talked to someone
one night after one of our big arguments.
I
sat out there for a long time until you, Ash-bash, my baby sister, came out
and told me to come in and you had made hot coco for me and I remember you
both slept in my room that night all of us camped out on the floor cause the twin bed couldn’t fit us all. I never felt so loved and supported as I
did in those moments with you. I
remember going to sleep thinking you both were made of stronger stuff then I
was. Months
passed. Mom and I didn’t fight anymore
– at least about my sexuality. I thought she had just decided to be in denial
or ignore it completely. And if it
wasn’t because I was a nosy older sister I would have never knew that you two
were as one of you described it “battling” her when I wasn’t there on the
weekends. So,
I’ll take the time now to apologize for reading your shared journal. I’m sorry, forgive me? I love you both so much for doing
everything. I
don’t know where you two get your “In Your Face Bravery” from but can I have
some? It
makes my heart soar knowing all the trouble you went through without me even
knowing to help me. You supplied her
with pamphlets and books and hotline numbers that she hadn’t accept from me
but you were forcing her to read guides to parents who have GLBT children and
talk to people about it. I
was ignorant to what was going on in the house because I never wanted to be Until
I read your journal I didn’t see that you did those things by going on hunger
strikes to get her to call a support group/hotline and you didn’t do your
chores and took the groundings until she read those books. You did this all because you loved me and
knew that I needed the acceptance and approval of our mom who had been
through so much and survived. Mom had
always been my hero. Having her reject
and deny this part of me had hurt a lot. I’ll
admit here because I’m being completely honest with you both I had given
up. I didn’t really talk to you about
my feelings because I thought you’re younger and I’m supposed to look after
you and take care of you not the other way around. I didn’t want you getting in trouble with
mom and yet you were doing it even when I wasn’t sharing that side of me with
you! Up until reading your guys journal
I had even started to feel a little bit like maybe I was wrong and she was
right. That it was unnatural and I
shouldn’t like females. Yet, it was
all gone when I read your words and could feel your love and support and what
you were willing to do to get through to mom. Despite
knowing what you both had been up to it was a surprise in July of 2006 right
before my senior year in high school when I was watching some tattoo show and
admiring one of the men’s physique, mom came
in. She looked from the T.V. to me and
said, “Please don’t bring I
remember just sitting there and feeling shocked and happy and wanting to
cry. I never thought she’d acknowledge
my sexuality ever again. You two were
high-fiving each other and Ash-bash one day I want to video tape that little
jig you did. Do you remember how hard
I hugged you two then? It was because
I knew it was everything that you two did that led mom to that small, first
moment of verbal acceptance. Thank
you. Somewhere
around this time I started coming into my own as a person. You two were there my last year to listen to
me complain about guys or girls and rant about my feelings and people’s
cruelty. It was you two who gave me
the strength to tell all my friends and classmates at the beginning of my
senior year. I had so much fun being
myself and not walking on eggshells afraid I’d do something that would get me
ostracized. Here
is where I tell you I’m sorry again.
Sorry for being oblivious to anyone else’s life but my own and for
reading your shared journal again. It
was the night before I was off to college and the land of the dorms. You two were out with friends and I was
curious to see if you were still writing in it together. You both were. I cried when I read it. You both did so much for me and I didn’t
know and I know from reading it you didn’t want me to know. You wanted me to have my happiness before
setting out into the “real world”. Yet
how can I ever thank you enough or explain how much I love you both besides
letting you know that I know everything that you’ve been through now? You
both lost friends and were teased because I openly liked females. Some tossed you aside others apparently
said degrading things and you “set them right” before tossing them aside when
they continued with their, in Ash’s words, “ignorant, sheep mind sets”. The
words from one of your nightly passages stick out in my mind. I copied it and still have it with me in a
folder. It was the one that said. Ash-bash,
why can’t they understand? She’s our
sister. Our blood. She loves us and we
love her. All other choices would only
end with her hurt and without family.
Family is supposed to be always whether you’re near or far. Lysh,
they’re insecure or yet to think on their own from their parents though
pattern. We can just keep doing what
we’ve always been doing.
Educating. And you are
right. There was never a choice.
Family is always and forever. Love is
infinite. I don’t regret it. Do you?
No, no regrets
remember? Love is infinite and love
means support and understanding. When
did you two get so wise? You really
grew up when I wasn’t paying attention.
You’re the type of people that the world needs more of. You
two taught me what true acceptance and perseverance is and how to stand
strong and that Family is a word that truly means something. You two taught me how to support people
and how to educate people. My
senior year of high school would never have been the same without you
both. I’m glad I was able to share it
with you. I’m sorry for the times I embarrassed
you two on purpose in the halls just because I could. The only thing I can say is I was a senior
and you two were a sophmore and a freshman – it had to be done. : ) Without
you both I would never have strengthened my friendships or be the person I am
today. Lysh, Ash-bash you’ve both have
been my backbone, my strength until I learned how to hold my own. You both amaze me with your strong
personalities and spirit. I know you
two can handle anything that comes your way and I strive every day to develop
my spirit to be as compassionate and empathetic and steady as you two. Lysh, Ash-bash, I’m proud to call you both
my little sisters. With
love always and forever, Amanda P.S. Did I mention I’m sorry I’ve read your
journal? Don’t be mad. It’s not like you two never read mine! |
Do you like this
letter? Then feel free to send an email
message to Amanda at: arhelton@svsu.edu