KarMel Scholarship 2008
RunnerUp of the “Written” Category
“A Man at Heart”
Desciption of Submission: “A poem to my mother describing my personal feeling that I was meant to be and consider myself as a man. A feeling I bemonaed very much while growing up especially when I began to develop breasts and when most girls did not show interest in me as being the same gender. I find women terribly appealing not only aesthetically but in a purely sexual and excitingly sensual affectionate light. I have felt all my life and with all my heart that I am supposed to be a man as though someone had erred in creating me a woman.” - Anonymous
Why Karen and Melody Liked It: We liked how it showed transgender struggles and the pain associated with trying to get one’s family to recognize a new gender.
I saw them popping up on my
Day by day and dreaded
What would come tomorrow.
Tomorrow came and I wondered
Why I could not have been a boy,
With all my heart breaking,
And all my estrogen-laden tears falling.
I wondered why this life was forced
On me and I could not be fighting roughly
With the boys back in yesterday
Without the blooming female way I was becoming.
The self in the mirror looked back and
I kicked it, soul burning red and hard with hate
Without wanting to break it,
But kicked anyway in anger.
The face in the window looked back and
I kicked it in pain at the
Ripping sickness inside my stomach
And cracked the grimaced face in pieces.
I paid for that window Mom, but what I meant
Was that I was falling apart inside
And could not get
Out of this stranger’s body.
I longed to be the person
A man I felt I truly was.
And day-by-day I lived
Watching the men with inspirations
And sighing after women.
I could not be hard but fell softly.
Into the rough suffering seas
Of my thundering male heart.
And live in confusion.