KarMel Scholarship 2008


RunnerUp of the “Written” Category

“A Man at Heart”

By Anonymous



Desciption of Submission: “A poem to my mother describing my personal feeling that I was meant to be and consider myself as a man.  A feeling I bemonaed very much while growing up especially when I began to develop breasts and when most girls did not show interest in me as being the same gender.  I find women terribly appealing not only aesthetically but in a purely sexual and excitingly sensual affectionate light.   I have felt all my life and with all my heart that I am supposed to be a man as though someone had erred in creating me a woman.” - Anonymous


Why Karen and Melody Liked It: We liked how it showed transgender struggles and the pain associated with trying to get one’s family to recognize a new gender.  



I saw them popping up on my

Flat chest

Day by day and dreaded

What would come tomorrow.


Tomorrow came and I wondered

Why I could not have been a boy,

With all my heart breaking,

And all my estrogen-laden tears falling.


I wondered why this life was forced

On me and I could not be fighting roughly

With the boys back in yesterday

Without the blooming female way I was becoming.


The self in the mirror looked back and

I kicked it, soul burning red and hard with hate

Without wanting to break it,

But kicked anyway in anger.


The face in the window looked back and

I kicked it in pain at the

Ripping sickness inside my stomach

And cracked the grimaced face in pieces.


I paid for that window Mom, but what I meant

Was that I was falling apart inside

And could not get

Out of this stranger’s body.


I longed to be the person

A man I felt I truly was.

And day-by-day I lived

Another life.


Watching the men with inspirations

And sighing after women.

I could not be hard but fell softly.

Into the rough suffering seas


Of my thundering male heart.

And live in confusion.