KarMel Scholarship 2009
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Honorable Mention: Best Bi-Sexual “Ignoring Aubergine” By Molly Rodin - MA
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Description of Submission: “A reflection on realizing my sexual orientation and learning to accept myself.” - Molly
Why Karen and Melody Liked It: We liked the way Molly used the color spectrum to describe the spectrum of sexuality, from gay to straight and everything in between!
Ignoring
Aubergine
As a child I was always taught that the world should not be viewed as black and white, that it is composed of a vast spectrum of grays. I was taught to seek for and appreciate life’s fluctuating shades, seeing both sides of an argument and the swirling mist of moral dilemmas. I spent my time studying monochromatic subtleties, forgetting that the world might have color. I came to believe I must be mad because, where others saw gray, I saw aubergine. To consider the shades of gray is to ignore red, from scarlet to burgundy, and blue, cerulean, lapis and azure, and saffron, topaz and sweet butter yellow. Where these colors meet are every shade of purple orange and green one could ever imagine. The world is not black or white or gray; it’s not a rainbow either. Life can never be a single spectrum, but is instead a kaleidoscope that shifts and dances and defies description. Learning I was bisexual was like learning to see color, disorienting, confusing, but ultimately the most wonderful discovery I have ever made. I was thirteen and not even aware that people could be bisexual. I knew people could be gay, of course, and fully supported gay rights in the fuzzy sort of way; I did not know any one gay, I barely knew of anyone gay, I was mostly ignorant of what gay rights might consist of and, like most children who grow up hearing gay tossed around as an insult, I was not entirely sure that being gay was something one did in polite society. Never the less, I supported gay rights because they were the sort of thing liberal-minded thirteen year-olds supported. Life did not care how ignorant I was; little by little, like it or not, I began to recognize an attraction to women and retain an attraction to men. This apparently conflicting preference was startlingly difficult to come to terms with, even for the most liberal of thirteen-year-olds; lesbianism was something I almost understood, something my friends might almost understand. Bisexuality was a complete unknown. I had no context with which to understand myself, an experience that caused eighth grade to be one of the most powerfully terrifying periods in my life. If it was shocking to discover that the world has color, it was terrifying to find that my own blood was crimson, fiercely alive, before fading out to rust. It was isolating to watch the color of moonlight on snow, while the world slept. Most of me wished to ignore those colors, to pretend I could not see them, but part of me reveled in them, in their richness and intensity. Part of me had found that my soul was emblazoned with the deepest hues I never knew existed, shades I could not ignore if I tried. We life in a world of subtleties and complexities and it is more awe-inspiring than we can possibly understand. Life is too wonderful to waste with fear at its intricacies. Learning this allowed me to love, to rejoice, to reject shame and to grow with every new day.
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