KarMel Scholarship 2010
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Honorable Mention: Best Coming Out “Risk Taken” By Anonymous
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Description of Submission: “College application essay about a risk taken in life; coming out as a lesbian.” - Anonymous
Why Karen and Melody Liked It: We really liked the way she overcame the struggles of her coming out process and turned the experience into positive emotions.
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“I’m not going to change the way I look or the way I feel to conform to anything. I’ve already been a freak. So I’ve been a freak all my life. I’m just one of those people.”- John Lennon. Just like John Lennon, I am considered a freak. Throughout my life I’ve always asked myself the same question: Who am I? Three years ago I took the risk of coming out as a lesbian in a conservative Korean community. I realized that, yes, I am a lesbian, yes, I do have very progressive views on life, yes, I am going to change the world, and yes, I am still Korean.
Growing up as a Korean in America meant dealing with many restrictions and externally imposed goals. I believe in following your mind and soul, but most Koreans in my community believe in the pursuit of high status. At times it felt as though the only reason I was alive was to go to a “prestigious college” and make lots of money. “Study” is one of the few English words my mother knows. To my mother, the only “prestigious colleges” consist of Yale and Harvard. This may seem like an exaggeration, but to my Korean community, attendance at Yale or Harvard means you are the whole package: smart, wise, good looking, and of high status. Yet I know that there are plenty of merely book smart individuals in Yale and Harvard, and that plenty of intelligent people don’t go to college at all. Attitudes of race were also very restricting; dating anyone non Korean is frowned upon. Tradition is very important; it was already expected of my twin and me to marry rich, smart, Korean men. I was taught to judge other people by the way they dressed and by the color of their skin. I knew something was wrong with these attitudes, and as I became older, the tension between what I believed and what I was taught started to build up.
In the fall of 2006, I fell in love with a hurricane of a girl named Megan and came out as a lesbian to a very conservative Korean family and community. Dazey lit the fire to my free-loving spirit and to my parent’s rage. I began hating every aspect of my community because I didn’t understand why it wouldn’t accept me. I did everything to separate myself from anything Korean: I had unmotivated months of bad grades, I sometimes camped under the stars with my friends instead of returning home, I shaved off all my long black hair, and I openly disrespected authorities. But all this running wasn’t getting me anywhere, because every night before I went to sleep, I still felt unsatisfied, incomplete, and confused about whom I was and who I wanted to become.
Once Dazey had left my life and my mind was clear, I finally opened my eyes to realize all the damage I had caused my family and friends. I realized that I couldn’t just expect my parents to immediately accept that I was a lesbian and that I was going to follow my heart even if it meant hard times. My parents were raised differently from me and had so few opportunities in America. I had finally stopped running and had come to terms with the fact that Korean culture would always be a part of me, but it didn’t have to make me one-dimensional. I could still be Korean and have my progressive on life. Coming out as a lesbian didn’t just help me find who I was but it also made me open my eyes and realize that although other Asian communities have public figures advocating gay rights, my own community lacks rallying figures and leaders of tolerance.
I was recently struck by a quote from Chuck Palahniuk’s Invisible Monsters,. “Our real discoveries come from chaos from going to places that look wrong and stupid and foolish.” I agree, but have learned that what you do with these discoveries is what matters most. The discoveries I made during the chaos of coming out didn’t leave scars, but rather left compassion. So as I continue making mistakes and learning from them, through the study of psychology or law, I hope to become a leader in helping the Korean American community progress. |
