Purple and Blue

Blue: a primary color.  This feeling is unique.  Nothing can manufacture it.  I feel cold inside all the time, like the freezing blue waters.  Purple: the combination of red and blue.  This is fear.  Fear of the red pain of rejection.  Fear of the cold feeling of blue.  This is the tumultuous feeling before the storm.  This is anxiety.  This is the first lightning bolts, the first drops of rain.  I know something is different, and I am scared. 

What is this? Who am I? These are the questions I ask myself every day.  Life is just confusing.  Everything is a question.  Am I straight?  Am I bi?  Am I gay?  What am I? More  importantly, who am I?  How will I know what is real?  What if I am rejected?  Will I lose my family?  Will I lose my friends?  Who am I?  I am gay.

Green

Green: the combination of blue and yellow.  Taking the scared feeling of blue and conquering it.  I need to go through the period of transition in order to achieve acceptance, in order to be happy.  I need to grow and begin again, like the green grass in the spring.  This is the heart of the storm.  This is the main event.  This is what I have been worrying about for what seems like forever. 

I need to tell you something.  I need you to know who I really am.  I need to take off this mask and be myself.  I need people to know.  I am gay.  Yes, I am sure…maybe.  I have thought about this more than you have thought about anything in your life.  I am free.  I can be myself without feeling like I have a mask on.  I can look at a girl without feeling like I am giving away my identity.  I am free.  I am gay.

Orange and Yellow

Yellow: a pale color.  The softness of yellow creates peace.  A feeling completely different from blue.  Orange: the combination of red and yellow.  Diffusing the harshness of red with the calm of yellow creating excitement and happiness.  I feel alive like the orange and yellow flowers that adorn my garden, knowing that I am accepted for who I am.  The rainbow emerges.  The peaceful feeling resonates into my soul.

Thank you.  Thank you for being able to see past one aspect of me and see the whole thing.  Thank you for accepting the real me.  Going down the halls, holding another girl’s hand without being looked at funny, without hearing the people yell at me.  Knowing my parents and brother still love me, but now they love the real me.  This is who I am.  I am proud.  I am gay.

Red

Red: a harsh color.  The emotional pain is resounding.  It is unique, different from blue or yellow.  If present in small amounts, red creates something beautiful.  If an excess is present, the harshness overwhelms everything around it.  I feel the pain like the red blood that streamed down Matthew Shepherd’s face.  The rainbow disappears.  The storm is coming again.

What did you just say?  I am not a real Jew because I am gay?  Really?  My grandmother just said that?  I am just another human being trying to live this life in happiness and peace.  I don’t want you to be gay.  I want you to let me be gay.  I feel connected to the thousands of gay people ostracized before me and the thousands that will come after.   Why do people hate me?  Are they afraid?  I do not know what I am supposed to do.  I have been rejected by people I love.  How do I continue to love them?  I just want to be seen as an equal human.  I am human.  I am gay.

The Rainbow

This is me.  This spectrum that is the rainbow.  I am every color.  I am gay, but I am more than that.  I am free.  I am proud.  I am human.  I am gay.  I am the result of the storm.  I am a result of the pain and the tears.  That storm produced me.  Without that pain and those tears, I would not be who I am.  I would not have all those colors of the rainbow.  I would not be able to show you the beauty of my diversity.    The storm will return, but I will emerge again.  I will shine my light once more.  I will be free.  I will be proud.  I will be human.  I will be gay.