Melody’s Favorite Written Award

“Defeated”

By Shawn Clements

(Personal Story)

I was 18. She was my first “girlfriend” and 32. Your first time isn’t supposed to be a lie. I was supposed to be in love. It wasn’t right.

We met through friends and had talked on the phone a few times.  She told me she was working on a report for the LGBT center on teenagers who are coming out. "Well, that’s cool,' I thought. "I’m a teenager and I’m out." Then we decided to go see a movie. But wait — weren’t we supposed to go somewhere to talk?

We got to the movies early, so we sat in her car talking. She leaned over to kiss me. I backed off. It wasn’t right. I wasn’t ready. I had been dreaming of this moment for more than forever. This wasn’t how I had envisioned it. Not in a car, not with her and not here. She pulls me in again. I feel her lips on mine. It doesn’t feel like everyone says it will. It doesn’t feel like my heart says it should. I pull away again and tell her that we should go see the movie. She asks if it is her and I just shake my head.

We go into the movie and sit down. She startles me by putting her hand in my lap. I move away from her. It’s a PG movie for God’s sake. She moves closer. God, how do I make this stop? She pulls me into her. I pull away. I start to wonder if she’ll ever get the point. What is she doing? Why is she doing this? I told her I didn’t want to. I keep pulling away. Has she not figured out I don’t want to do this? I tell her let’s just watch the movie. She smiles and says, “OK.” Thank God!

She lied. Her hand starts to wander. I grab it and hold it tightly. Her other hand starts to roam. I mean, really? I look at her and she just smiles. I roll my eyes hoping she gets the point. Are all girls this unintelligent? Doesn’t “no” mean “no?” Or is that just in straight relationships? I really don’t understand what's happening. I grab her hand and she lets go, claiming she only wanted some soda. Her hand starts to go up my skirt. She tells me she likes the way I feel. I beg her to stop. She does, finally.

We go to get some coffee after the movie. We talk to each other like we have known each other forever. She tells me that she is a boxer and about to go pro. I tell her about soccer and dance. She tells me she would love to see me perform. This is what I was looking for — a friendship. She asks me if I want to go to her place. I just stare at her like she is crazy. She promises no sex. That — I agree to. Lie No. 350 on her part, stupid moment No. 358 on my part.

She holds my hand on the way back to her house. We talk about religion. I tell her that I still believe in many aspects of my religion and following the doctrine, including being sexually pure until I am in a committed relationship. She tells me she doesn’t understand how lesbians can still be part of their religion while being out. I tell her for me, it is easy. She said she understands the being pure part and respects it. I feel a sense of relief that she won’t try anything anymore and that she respects me.

We finally get back to her place. She helps me out of the car. It has been raining and I am in heels. She holds my hands and tells me to relax. She opens the door for me, all part of her “charm.” We talk some more on her couch. She reaches over to me. Takes a look at my cross and kisses me. I pull away to tell her about my cross, maybe she forgot. She tells me to be quiet. She doesn’t care about my cross. She just wants to kiss me. I pull away again and run into the bathroom. At this point I replay everything in my head. I made stupid decisions, but I thought she respected me.

I come back out from the bathroom. She hollers at me from the bedroom. I come in and sit on the edge of the bed. She pushes me down. I tell her no, please. Please, don’t! She doesn’t listen. I try to push her off of me. She is too strong. I beg at this point for her to stop. I give up and just cry. I black out at some point, after which I have no idea what happened. I just remember waking up and running to the bathroom. I cried and begged for God’s forgiveness.

I stayed with her for four weeks. She told me if I tried to end things with her, she would kill me. I finally found the courage to end things with her. She told me she would come and kill my mother and myself. After that she stalked me for about two months. I never told my mother. I never told my friends. I had never told anyone the whole story, until now. I tell my story, not for sympathy, but so that people who may have gone through what I went through know that there are other people out there. I know how alone I felt after it happened. I also decided to write this because I thought there was nowhere to go. No one stands up and says, “This has happened to me!”

Well, I am standing up and saying that this happened to me and that if you went through this, you are not alone. There are other people who can help you and there are places to go. A short list is available here:

Pandora’s Aquarium:  http://www.pandys.org/LGBTsurvivors.html

Rainbow Hope: http://www.rainbowhope.org/forums/

These first two have forums. The main thing to remember is you are not alone. There are a lot of other people out there that have gone through this.

Rape Crisis Information Pathfinder: http://www.ibiblio.org/rcip/lgbtq.html

This last one has many other sources to find more help and more information. It also separates the site by different scenarios.