He was not only my cousin. He was a brother. My best friend. Though my cousin Veeru and I were very different, we were very close while growing up. I was very traditional and religious while he was very modern and open-minded. However, we were each other’s favorite. We shared all our secrets and sought each other’s advice before we did anything. We did not need any of our other cousins or friends to have fun. When we were together we always had fun. We did everything together (like doing our homework, cooking, going to the movies etc) and called each other everyday! With us there was always something to talk about. Our stories to each other never ended.  He understood me more than any of my female friends. He gave me the best advice on clothes, fitness and fashion. I always felt that I was blessed to have such a sensitive, sweet and caring individual as my cousin. Then one day after he turned sixteen things changed…or maybe better put, I changed.

             A few days after his sixteenth birthday, he came over my place and told me he wanted to talk to me. Excitedly, I closed the door and plunged into the bed. Then I noticed that he seemed a little nervous and hesitant. He had never acted like that with me.

            “Veeru, what’s wrong,” I asked him at once.

            He gulped hard, opened his mouth then closed it again. I was getting impatient now. What could be wrong to make him act like that? I asked myself.

            “Neeraja, I have to tell you something about me,” he hesitantly said. “I umm…I umm.” He fell silent.

            “You are what?” I screamed. I could not take the suspense anymore.

            “I am gay,” he said very calmly. “And I hope you that doesn’t change anything between us.”

            At first I thought I didn’t hear him right. “You are what?” I asked.

            “I am gay, Neeraja. I like other boys.”

            I couldn’t believe my ears! How can my own cousin be gay? My favorite cousin! That was against our religion, culture and traditions! I felt really light headed. I quickly gripped the headboard of my bed, fearing that I might fall.

            “Since when?” I asked.

            “I don’t know. I was not sure until after I turned sixteen.”

            “Did you tell anyone else?” I knew the family wouldn’t like it.

            “Just Amitabh (Amitabh is his brother) and all my close cousins.”

            “So I was the last one?” I shrieked.  “I thought we shared everything!”

            “Its not that sis. I know how religious, cultural and traditional you are and I didn’t know if you would have been able to accept it.”

            We were both quiet for a while. My head was hurting really bad and my throat was dry but for some reason I did not have the energy to go downstairs and get some water. I grabbed the can of diet Pepsi I had left on the bed side the night before and sipped it. It tasted nasty and made me even thirstier.

            Finally, Veeru spoke up. “This is not going to change anything between us, right sis?”

            “I don’t know Veeru. I have to think about it all,” I told him honestly. “Give me sometime please.”

            Tears welled up in his eyes as he said, “Yes.”

            Then he got up and left. I buried my head and cried my heart out. Why my favorite cousin? Why? Why? Why? I kept asking myself.

That night I thought everything over. I still couldn’t believe it. I wanted to accept it but all the years of religious and cultural conditioning kept stopping me. It’s a sin! It’s a sin! It’s a sin! A voice kept wailing in my head. I tried to shun it but I couldn’t. I slowly withdrew myself from Veeru. Though I still loved him, for some reason I couldn’t accept the fact that he was gay.  I stopped calling him. And when he called me I didn’t take his call. I think he got the message and eventually he stopped calling me and never came around to visit us. I missed him like crazy. I missed his jokes, the fights with him, his advice on fashion and relationships. I missed him period.

            Six months later, it was Amitabh’s birthday and he planned a birthday dinner for all the cousins at Applebee’s.  I really didn’t want to go because I knew Veeru would be there. Deep in my heart I really wanted to see him, talk to him and wanted everything to be the same. But my head kept telling me to stay away from him. He was on the wrong path. I listened to my heart and decided to go.

            Veeru was there with his boyfriend. Amitabh had told me that the two were really in love.  I regretted my decision of attending the birthday dinner. I didn’t talk to him at all and avoided all eye contact even though that hurt me.  I missed my brother, my best friend. I missed talking to him. After dinner as we were leaving for the bowling alley, Veeru pulled me aside. He wanted to introduce his boyfriend, James to me. A part of me wanted to meet him, to see the special person my brother was in love with but the other part kept stopping me.  I went ahead and decided to meet him.  If I didn’t know that James was Veeru’s boyfriend I would have never guessed that he was gay. He was as normal as anyone else: an ambitious hard working person who wanted to go to U.C Berkeley to get his degree in political science. While hanging out with Veeru in the bowling alley I realized, that Veeru was as same as before. He did not change a bit in any way. He was the same fun –loving, sweet and caring person. His only fault was that he was in love with this amazing courteous person who happened to be a boy. Maybe my religion has conditions on whom to love but at that moment I realized that I should not have any conditions on loving my cousin. I had reopened the door of my heart to take Veeru back and I think that was one of the best decisions I ever made.

This year Veeru turned 25. His parents, aunts and uncles have now come to know about Veeru. They are mostly in denial, though.  Some think it’s not true while others think that it’s just a phase that will go away. The grandparents and great aunts and uncles still don’t know and no one wants to tell them either. I am just happy to have Veeru back in my life. I love my cousin…my brother…my best friend. He is still the best thing happening to my life.